Tuesday, May 09, 2006

#65 on owning up to not being able to do something

Current mood:  relief (at being back)
Current music:  none (I can’t type what I’m about to type with any distractions)

I find myself creeping back to this online outpouring of inner digestion following the death of my father.

You, my dear reader, are now sitting comfortably reading this and have no idea how long that previous sentence took to type.

I could baffle you with supercilious and condescending psychobabble about how I’m coping but the truth is I’m finding it hard – not hard to cope, God knows (literally) that I’ve been coping for years, no finding it hard to have any kind of emotional literacy with which to articulate the cloying emptiness that has filled my quiet moments and the dull hollow clang that sounds when I tap my heart.  I needed to take some time out – blogging about my Dad has been impossible and blogging about anything else would have seemed crass.

The fact is I don’t know how to grieve.

Now if that isn’t suburban mediocrity I truly don’t know what is.

4 comments:

Steve said...

So sorry to hear about your dad. Nothing to say other than I'm here if you want to call someone for a rant.

Hope to see you soon, and love you very much,

1 i z said...

I'll similarly refrain from 'supercilious and condescending psychobabble' and simply say - thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

Greets to the webmaster of this wonderful site! Keep up the good work. Thanks.
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lynne marsh said...

with the anniversary bringing him to the front of my mind again, i wish you and i could have talked about dad, but i guess we remember him differently and therefore grieve differently