Current music: Albinoni’s adagio
Current mood: up for it (work for work complete)
Yes I’m back for those who noticed (which cuts out most of the world’s population) and those who care (which cuts out most of them) from a particularly intense period of life in which I’ve pinned my colours to the mast of my school and applied for the position of Deputy Head Teacher. Hopefully I’ll get an interview and I’ll keep you posted on how it all goes.
At church today my good friend confided in me his lack of confidence in his sermon and I said that it would speak to someone’s heart. Who could of known it would have been me?
The gist of it was (remember it’s mothering Sunday) that we only develop the vocabulary for describing how well our parents tried to parent us later on in life. It’s actually easier to recall times when our parents were pretty crap at it and not recognise the love they show(ed) for us in the mundane day to day existence. Heaven knows I can think of reasons to recall when my parents (my dad in particular) was unbelievably crap at it. I could make a list of the holes in my experience when he simply should have been there and could embark upon some deep psychological treatise on why that was and how it has so deeply affected me. I could, honestly I could and indeed (usually to myself) I have, but hey, and this is the point of the sermon for me, fuck it, there were other times when he was doing his best and I just never realised. He probably was bored and a bit shit at fatherhood by the time I came along but I turned out alright and my kids will do ok by me too.
He’s dying of cancer now. I’ll not see him again. I want to make some sort of peace with him but the problem is I think he is at peace with himself, selfish cunt, and so I’ll just have to say that my glass is not half full, nor is it half empty; there is no glass, just a man who did his best and son who is doing his best too.