Sunday, March 26, 2006

#63 on the half full/half empty cliché

Current music: Albinoni’s adagio
Current mood: up for it (work for work complete)

Yes I’m back for those who noticed (which cuts out most of the world’s population) and those who care (which cuts out most of them) from a particularly intense period of life in which I’ve pinned my colours to the mast of my school and applied for the position of Deputy Head Teacher.  Hopefully I’ll get an interview and I’ll keep you posted on how it all goes.

At church today my good friend confided in me his lack of confidence in his sermon and I said that it would speak to someone’s heart.  Who could of known it would have been me?

The gist of it was (remember it’s mothering Sunday) that we only develop the vocabulary for describing how well our parents tried to parent us later on in life.  It’s actually easier to recall times when our parents were pretty crap at it and not recognise the love they show(ed) for us in the mundane day to day existence.  Heaven knows I can think of reasons to recall when my parents (my dad in particular) was unbelievably crap at it.  I could make a list of the holes in my experience when he simply should have been there and could embark upon some deep psychological treatise on why that was and how it has so deeply affected me.  I could, honestly I could and indeed (usually to myself) I have, but hey, and this is the point of the sermon for me, fuck it, there were other times when he was doing his best and I just never realised.  He probably was bored and a bit shit at fatherhood by the time I came along but I turned out alright and my kids will do ok by me too.  

He’s dying of cancer now.  I’ll not see him again.  I want to make some sort of peace with him but the problem is I think he is at peace with himself, selfish cunt, and so I’ll just have to say that my glass is not half full, nor is it half empty; there is no glass, just a man who did his best and son who is doing his best too.


Anonymous said...

...And from what I know of, and hear, from you, you are doing a brilliant job! This applies to your job too and don't let anyone tell you any different! It's always too easy to believe the negative things and ponder on those but try focusing on the good stuff you hear about yourself...there's loads of it and if you need to be told over and over again before you believe it, then that's fine - I don't give up easily!! :-) S

Steve T said...

Hi Darren

I know exactly what you mean. I found it in a way quite painful when I reached the point of realising that my old man had some pretty good things going for him as a father as well as the rest of it. I suppose it was more comfortable to see things in monochrome, and simply to blame someone rather than having to be grateful to them at the same time.
But somehow it was also a weight off my mind as well, though I'm not sure I can explain why.

But yes, seeing fatherhood from the other end of the (errm, telescope? cane? shotgun?) telescope certainly makes you realise how much your own folks did for you that you simply took for granted.

It also made me feel, and you I hope too, that fatherhood gives you a chance to redeem the time, to raise your own family without passing on to them what was passed on to you.

Anonymous said...

Very pretty site! Keep working. thnx!