Tuesday, January 31, 2006

On the way up

The last few days I have not been at my best. I seem to go through phases of indecision and procrastination – paralysed by fear or so it seems. On the outside I seem to cover it up quite well. Only those who know me best would ever know – I make promises I can’t keep, swing in mood from one moment to the next, reach for the fridge, tell blatant lies.

It seems that returning from a few days of sickness to an already overcrowded schedule did it for me. I wasn’t really coping before I went down with the bug and I could cope even less afterwards.

I generally snap out of it and catch up with myself when deadlines loom so close that I have no choice but to act. At least this time I recognised where I was at a bit sooner than usual. Or was it that I have too many deadlines looming just now? Whatever, but the truth is I usually manage to squirm around in my little cocoon of fear for a good while longer than this.

So although I have no one to apologise to other than myself I want to say sorry for not blogging so much lately although it is the truth that the whole internet thing has fucked my head lately.

Having A at home tonight has made a big difference. She is, in a sense, an embodiment of my conscience. I don’t feel under pressure if she’s about but, somehow, it’s just feels nice hearing her pottering about (more often than not doing the housework that I ought to be doing), knowing she’s there.

Fucking opera.

So here’s to me on my way back up. If how I’ve felt is a tiny, tiny bit like depression then my heart goes out to all those who suffer any mental illness.

I dedicate this entry to them.

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